The Feinstone Report 2/10/03
To those within my written voice,
I apologize for my absence last week, don't care if you loved or hated it I am still going to procure for the consumption minded. I was out of town for my nephews bar mitzvah. Not a practicing Jew myself, but it was the gesture that counts. Heard there was a hell of a wedding party with free beer that you fuckers drank until they stopped supplying it. Also heard there were a couple more party's at 23rd and Holdrege that were successful. Mr. Toalson found a couple of women to talk with. And Levi may have had a birthday present or two. (Damn, fuckin cheap vodka) All better now. Hey Kerry, where are these swap meets in the back yards of party places. I would really like to attend. Also, does Martin get frequent keggar miles for every keg he throws or is he going to start making T-shirts for his own self made fraternity. Wouldn't call it a frat or else he would ask me if I called my country a cunt. What was your badge number again?
Congrats to Emily and Landon, sorry I couldn't be there. Heard it was a very sweet wedding.
Fucking Valintines day is creeping up on you like a cheap pair of tightey whiteys on a hot summers day. Don't even know why I attempt to celebrate it when all you do is attempt to consummate a relationship no matter how long you have been in it. I believe it was made up by women who are desperate for commitment and set a deadline for the question of how much money you are really ready to spend on them on account of the card company's making a day out of something that started in high school prom for these insecure souls. Sorry ladies, just an opinion. Munch on another chocolate in those heart shaped boxes someone bought for you and appreciate yet another holiday men spend money on you. I think I am going to buy some souvenirís for a girl and then take out a totally different female just to cause a conflict in the whole scheme of things. Maybe I will just get a nice hooker so she won't fuck around with things. Last year I hired an escort and she didn't even show up, that is how much I hate Valentine's day. Didn't even get my deposit back.
This last weekend was a shame to any human that has went through their 21st birthday. Don't get me wrong, that Ethan guy is a cool guy. But, going to Madsen's and hanging out with a bunch of trailer park juveniles made it sound like this man did not want to get drunk at all. He did, however, and was escorted out of the bowling alley by the big Lebowski and Fucking Donnie (who was out of his fucking element). It was kind of funny to see a trailer park hippie who had an earpiece acting as security. Later that night, phi tappa kegga pulled another philanthropy for those who were desperate for cheap booze. A wonderful time was had by all. Except, the lovely Lori encountered a fender bender that left her with a head injury. Despite this, she came anyway and proceeded to partake in some liquid pain killers. Don't know how she made it home, but I do hope she saw a doctor for her ailments.
Saturday night was another pedestrian excursion for those that live in Lincoln. Loftis and his band played to the masses in the Music Box in Omaha. The only party bastards to bring their own booze into the place, and the only people to indulge themselves into the backstage luxuries. If you were back there I guess you found the comfort of the green room fascinating. Funny, how the fans are more in love with the opening band and disperse toward the end of the show when the headliner is scheduled. Afterward, there was an after-hours party at 110th and Blondoe with some fun people and booze. It was a good time until Bruning said that Jason's mother was cute. Hey dumbass, think about why a person has a picture of his mother or even the fact that you are a dumbass and the mother could be dead. Shitforbrains!!! Anyhow, everyone got out unscathed and we each went our separated directions. Moseman drove home after extremely intoxicating himself and asking everyone where his soft taco went. Honestly, if you don't know where that guy went, you shouldn't be out in public. He made it home, though, much to our disbelief. Nick Maser could not make it that night as he was picking out bridesmaids dresses for an up and coming event. That and Mandy has him on house arrest and a choke collar. Kenny's sister made it out and it almost looked like she was about to get some. I think she should try harder, either that or just start showing us her tits and telling people to "make me feel like a woman..." It was not quite a monsters ball, but, then what is. Some guys went to stay at Starvin' Marvin's house and sleep on her couches until sobered up. If you don't know this girl, it is the skinniest band-aid you will ever see. A 1/16th of a Penny lane. After this craziness I hope all of you take a few days off and call your parents or read the bible. I know I will try and volunteer for a youth group.
Until the next episode,
Dr. Mitchell Hannibal Feinstone
"There is nothing like the sight of an amputated soul. There is no prosthetic for that." Al Pacino