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feinstone.com The Doctor Is In

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A Letter to the Editor

DR. FEINSTONE,

AHHHH, THE START OF SUMMER. MOST PEOPLE REGUARD JANUARY 1 THE START OF THE NEW YEAR, BUT ALAS, I SEE IT AS THE START OF SUMMER. NEW YEARS IS A GREAT TIME OF YEAR, BUT SUMMER, OH, SUMMER, IS THE TIME TO BE REBORN. THE HEAT, THE LONG DAYS, THE LONGER NIGHTS. THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR THAT THE FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS OF OUR FAVOITE DOCTOR HAVE OUR GLORY. IT IS THE TIME OF GRILLING OUT WITH FRIENDS, DRINKING ALL DAY LONG ON THE WEEKENDS, CAMPING, THE TIME OUR FUTURE YARNS WILL BE BORN. THIS IS A CALL TO ALL OF US TO USE THIS TIME TO STRIVE TO THE TRUE DECADENCE WE ARE ALL CAPABLE OF; TO ACHIEVE BEYOND WHAT WE THOUGHT POSSIBLE IN DRUNKEN LEWDNESS. THIS COULD BE A HARD TASK, BUT WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT THIS CHALLENGE. AS IT SITS, ALL SHOULD SEEK A RESOLUTION TO REACH BEFORE THAT FILTHY TIME OF YEAR AUTUM FALLS UPON US. A FEW SUGGESTIONS ARE:

MR BRUNING, YOU MUST POKE THE BEAR FOR AS LONG AS HARD AS POSSIBLE BEFORE BEING PUT IN THE CUSTODY OF A STATE FUCK-ME-IN-THE-ASS FACILITY

MR. BLOBOMB, YOU MUST SEEK THE COURAGE TOSLEEP WITH AS MANY ABLE BODIED FEMALES AS POSSIBLE BEFORE YOUR WENCH SUCKS YOUR WILL TO LIVE AS MAN OUT OF YOUR SOUL.

MR. MASER YOU MUST FIND THE INTESTINAL FORTITUDE TO PUT THE COMMANDER IN HER PLACE. YOUR BALLS ARE STILL IN THE SAME PLACE AS THEY ONCE WERE. UTILIZE THEM

MR LOFTIS, I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME OR THE WILL TO FIND YOUR RESOLUTION, SO I WILL KEEP IT SIMPLE, DON'T DIE AND FIND A PLACE YOU CAN CALL YOUR OWN.

MR. NICHOLS, YOU MUST BE SUCCESSFUL IN BEDDING DOWN EVERYONE OF YOUR ROOMAMTES, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL IT MIGHT BE.

MR NEUMAN, YOUR TASK COULD BE THE GREATEST OF ALL. YOU MUST FORFIET YOUR V-CARD. THIS WILL BE DIFFICULT FOR THE CARD GIVES YOU A CERTAIN CREDIBILITY, BUT IT IS TIME MY FRIEND, TO SEEK THE COMPANY OF A WOMAN.

MR. BACHLE, YOU MUST REFRAIN OF THE DESTROYING OF ANY HOUSEHOLD ITEM IN DRUNKEN RAMPAGES, NO MATTER HOW IRRITATING THE LOVELY CARMAN CAN BE.

MR. LAUER, YOU MUST PICK ONE FRIEND IN OUR CIRCLE TO LET PICK THE ESSENCE OF YOUR LOVELY SISTER. MIGHT I RECOMEND BECKI DRUM. I AM SURE THAT ALL OF US WOULD FIND THIS ACCEPTABLE

MR LEE, YOU MUST EMBRACE THE FACT THAT WE WILL ALL STILL LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. THIS BEING SAID BEING A PILLOW-BITER IS NO CRIME AND THIS IS YOUR TIME TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT.

MR CHURCH, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH JR. AND NASCAR IN GENERAL, YOU MUST REFRAIN FROM WEARING NASCAR PARAPHANELIA IN PUBLIC. WE ARE NOT SOUTH OF THE MASON-DIXON LINE AND YOU STILL ARE IN POCESSION OF ALL OF YOUR TEETH.

MR. RUSTERMEYER, I KNOW YOU LOVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND BUNCHES AND BUNCHES, BUT BEFORE YOU CAN SETTLE DOWN WITH HER SHE MUST KNOW THE EMBRACE OF ANOTHER MAN, MAY I SUGGEST AN OVERWEIGHT 26 YEAR OLD WITH BLACK HAIR?

MR. MOSEMAN, YOU MUST ENHANCE YOUR OUTCOME ON LIFE. CYNICISM IS A DOWNER IN MOST SOCIAL SITUATIONS.

MR. HAWTHORN, KEEP ON LIVIN BROTHER AND SHOWER YOUR FRIENDS WITH MORE FREE BEER. THESE ARE ACTS THEY WILL WRITE SONGS ABOUT ONE DAY.

MR. MCMURTRY, A TRIP TO RICHARD YOUNG WOULD DO YOU AS WELL ALL OF US SOME GOOD. THESE PEOPLE CAN HELP YOU. LITHIUM IS A MIRICLE DRUG.

MS. WOOD, IT IS TIME TO GIVE IN TO THE ADVANCES OF EVERYONE'S FAVORITE DOCTOR, AND SHOW SHOW HIM WHAT THE LOVE OF SOMEONE UNDER 200 POUNDS CAN BE LIKE.

BLACK LISA, COMING TO TERMS WITH BEING HIGHLY ANNOYING AND NOT SO WHITE IS DIFFICULT. BUT YOU MUST EMBRACE THIS AND THROW YOUSELF IN FRONT OF AN ONCOMING TRAIN.

MICKI, HAVING BEEN WITH A FRACTION OF THE GROUP ALREADY, YOU MUST FINISH THE QUEST. IT IS NOBLE ENDEAVOR THAT I AM SURE YOU ARE CAPABLE OF.

AND TO MYSELF

MR TOALSON, YOU MUST RID YOURSELF OF DELUSIONS OF GRANDUER. YOU MUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT ONCE A BUM ALWAYS A BUM. THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE AND IT IS DOUBTFUL THERE IS ANY ACCEPTABLE FUTURE WITHOUT THEM. NO MATTER HOW BLEEK IT IS EMBRACE THEM FOR THEIR INDIVIDUAL NUANCES AND SHOWER THEM WITH BULLSHIT. YOU ARE VERY GOOD AT THAT.

 

I HOPE THESE WORDS FIND EVERYONE IN GOOD SPIRITS AND ENTHUSIASTIC

FOR A TRUELY DECADENT SUMMER.

MARTIN S. BAR

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