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The Feinstone Report: A few weeks back

To my patient audience,

It has been a while since I have graced the pages of your hearts and minds with the mindless droll of a has been doctor. It is true; I have been sewing my wild oats in the pastures of Asian women in tropical places. I have pursued the sweet fruit that can only be found in the gardens of sin. I have explored the earth in search of a greater meaning. In all of my travels I have never seen a bigger bunch of heathens as those produced in the great plains of Nebraska. We are an exclusive bunch, but only exclusive on the basis of survival. Those who cannot withstand the toil of living in Lincoln have moved on to try and escape the clutches of our self made sin. Some of us are just hiding behind the backs of a significant other. And others, still, are trying to hump the American dream by going through college.

Well, to those of you who have no shame in being a blatant savage, I solute you. I solute the man who drinks regularly in search of love but only finds a one night stand. I solute the searcher of meaning who only finds bar room advice. I solute the aspiring musician who still tries to light up a room. I solute the wanderer’s who find solace in random places. I solute the religious for trying to justify their lives. And, finally, I solute the rebel’s, for which a cause we are always searching. For it is without conflict that we see no difference in opinion.

Oh my sweet keyboard, how I miss thee. I am sitting with some friends; a tallboy, whisky, cigarettes, and some green cigarette. These are almost like my closest fan’s, always inspiring me to write on. But, enough with the sentimental bullshit.

Mr. Strohl and his friend Brad came by a few weeks ago to pick up our Ferrell. I guess she had been co-habitating with Bruning and Levi. They also left a warning that they would be back within a week from super bowl Sunday.

Marty has run away to Chicago, Jason went back to Mead, McMurtry burned down the funny farm, Lori may be marrying her brother, and Bruning has stayed out of jail.

So who has a wife/girlfriend? MikeyB, Bachle, Maser, Bartley, Ed Thacker, Clint B, Greg?, McMurtry did, Phil, and Andrew Strohl

I also heard that Marty was dating a Jew. Do you make her wear a star when you go out? Did she kill Christ? Do you know why Jewish people have big noses? A: Because air is free.

I guess brandings are back in style this year. Sporting the “N” brand will be none other than Jason Lee and Bradley Nugent. Both were coxed into the evil deed by a plastic bottle of vodka. Also, in style this year is having sex with the roommates of #1320 duplex. All are welcome to participate in this new ritual as long as you bring alcohol and provelactics. The jewelry that came into season is diamonds, especially on engagement rings worn by Mandy Bailey and that other girl. Hats worn by our friend’s say things like; “jobless” “no driver’s license” and “I couldn’t get laid even if I wasn’t wearing this hat”.

We have fallen in that dead time again my friends. A time in which we need a rally point. A place to focus all of our energy on the life we try to maintain. How long has it been since we had a random keggar? How long has it been since someone has harmlessly gone to detox? When is the last time you have heard the phrase, “pulled a train?” Can I get an Amen?

Join me in taking a long pull of brown liquor and imbibing yourself in beautiful women this weekend. That is the secret of life my friends. BROWN LIQOUR AND WOMEN!!! It would make a wonderful campaign slogan. Too bad I am not a democrat, and I have a rap sheet the size of Ron Jeremy’s you know what. This would be a good year for Dr. Mitch to obtain Presidency. But, I guess I will just have to bribe “W” with money for another 4 years and wait for the naked photos of the Bush twins. I guess Janet Jackson was showing off a big piece of the family crest; “The Boob”. (As in being the village idiot) I mean Tito isn’t that famous but he is the only one that hasn’t had to apologize publicly. Think Janet likes little boys? Justin?


That is about all I can squeeze out for now. You will be hearing from me. And I will be watching.

The next governor of California,

Dr. Mitch Feinstone


”The hardest thing in life is not learning, but unlearning.”- Unknkown

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