Signs That You're An Alcoholic
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -- coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth -- now that's a drinking problem!
"NORM!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
When you can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows '95 installed on your computer. It's enough to drive you to drink.
If you keep asking your wife "Where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refrigerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
Your twin sons are named Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.
Had "Spuds MacKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced with "Red Dog."
Hey, five beers has as many calories as a burger. Screw dinner!
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
When you go to donate blood and they ask you what proof?
Vampires get woozy after biting you.
The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
At an AA meeting you begin with "Hi, my name is...uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
When vomiting becomes a relief.
Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk -- left, right, stumble, fall.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. Hmmmm....
Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
You think the four basic food groups are caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, and women.
Every night you begin to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Hi, ocifer. I'm not under the afflucence of incohol.
Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
No, ocifer, I'm not drink. You're just sober.
Problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down...no problem.
If you're on a diet, you cut back on food calories to allow for the alcohol calories.
Take me drunk, I'm home!
The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
Find yourself as the captain of the Exxon Valdez.
You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a bottle.
You drink to get over a hangover.
That damn pink elephant followed you home again.
You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's licence.
The whisky ain't working anymore.
Senators Kennedy and Packwod shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
I'm as jober as a sudge!
You consider yourself a workaholic because every time you go to work, you want to have a drink!
I slept with that damn pink elephant again!
Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
Newt Gingerich...he's soooo sexy.
You find yourself on a train headed for Tijuana, but the last thing you remember is being in a bar in New York City!
Your name is Ted Kennedy.
You wake up in Korea in August, but the last thing you remember is the 4th of July party in Waikiki!
Red Dog upside down looks like Batman eating Catwoman.
You've fallen and you can't (don't want to) get up.
You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
Beertender, get me another bar!
Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
Do you (your name), take this woman...
You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list!
You realize you've shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top, and you're pestering people to buy incence and crap.
Your only friends are Jack, Johnny, Jim, and Jose.
Double vision so much the norm, you can't function without it.
When you discover you really enjoy dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
Because you're not as think as you drunk I am.
Salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates...yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
Your favorite drink is ethanol.
Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem? I don't have a prinking droblem!
You can't remember what your family looks like...or if you even have a family, for that matter.
You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
You look like SPAM.
You get defensive if someone asks you if you have a drinking problem.
Haven't stopped drinking since Carter was elected.
I don't have a drinking prob, pleb, prub...(hic)...pash me another, tarbender!
You can spend your whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
You go shopping for bathroom tile, and you hold it up to your face to make sure it's the right one.
The only reason you stopped drinking for the night is because you have to work in 3 hours.
Your name is Adam Bruning.
The double-cheeseburger that you bought is still in your car because the officer wouldn't let you take it with you to jail when you were arrested for DUI.